Or something equally as dramatic.
So in the past few days I've been systematically informed that I exhibit signs of ADD or ADHD. This seemed silly to me since no one had ever mentioned it to me before. I was just sloppy and a procrastinator and a day dreamer.
PLEASE GOD TELL ME I'M WRONG
I've talked to a few adult ADD sufferers (one of which was the one that said 'Oh yeah! that's how they diagnosed me' when I told him about a particular symptom) and things slowly started lining up and falling in to place. I slowly started fitting pieces together like a puzzle, and filled in the gaps that I thought were just personal failures. That I was TOLD were personal failures.
I went to the internet, like any self respecting hypochandriac, and started chasing rabbits. One of the first sites I came across listed several different symptoms, including emotional and physical, as well as the disorganization and inability to focus.
If you at all have a weak stomach for unabashed wailings of past pain and emotional turmoil, abort this particular blog now. Go no further. I am about to word vomit onto all of you that continue.
The "Myth and Fact" section alone made me almost tear up. Alot of the thing I've blamed myself for for years were mentioned in the Myth part. Moving on, the next section was inability to focus. A standard, I feel. I ticked off a few of the specific symptoms listed, feeling slightly warm inside. Then all of the sudden I see 'Hyperfocus'. I am excited to see this, as one of the reasons I never considered ADD was because there were times when I almost obsessed about things. This intrigues me and my insides heat up just a scoach more.
Next section, 'disorganization and forgetfulness'. It mentions room and car. A small victory, but it assures me further that I might be on to something here. I then come to the 'Emotional difficulties' section.
Check Check Check Check... I mentally go through every symptom, and here is where the water works really begin. "Low self esteem, sense of underachievement, trouble staying motivated" are only a few of them. I can't believe it, it's all right there. My insides are now scorching hot and I can't believe things can get any better explained for me.
The section on "Untreated ADD" got to me as well, mentioning the strain it can have on relationships with parents...
It really does feel like a huge light has been shed on the things I've been dealing with. Being in college opened my eyes to my inability to focus and I realized a lot of people don't have to work as hard as I have to to stay on task or listen during a lecture. This I blamed on myself, as it has always been blamed on me, and I took it as a personal flaw and tried fruitlessly to fix it.
I'd been talking to my mom about my anxiety and whatnot that was leading to my feelings of helplessness and so forth. ADD shares and coincides with a lot of the things I'd been experiencing. It seems they are not independent of each other, but cause and effect of each other.
I've not been to a Dr. and I've never been tested. But the ball has gotten rolling on that and will be done ASAP. I was in tears reading the site and teared up writing this. I hope and pray that I've now started on a path that will lead me to some sort of answers. The answer may not be ADD, but the hope of finding an answer is there now. And I'm really encouraged and validated by that.
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