Why do I do this?

I've always considered myself a very logical person. Grounded. All of that good stuff. But when I need to fool myself into a get away in LaLa Land for one reason or another, I'm an expert.

I can build get away's for people and myself better than anyone else. There are a few people who can attest to that because of the past few weeks.


The night my grandmother died, actually just minutes after I got off the phone with my dad, I saw a sentence that said 'Trade up'. I was told it had nothing to do with me. I just got a twitter account, which I quickly extinguished, and was trying to find the people that I love. I found a friend's account, and it yielded some information that had to with the brief sentence mentioned before.

This is why fooling yourself in to wandering around in some sort of alternate life is a bad idea. It may seem like a good idea at the time. It may be easier or make things easier to cope with. But in the end, when it all kind of dissapates, all you're left with is what you started with weeks or even months ago. Only things that are left alone rot. From the inside out. So the shit that you started with, the shit that made you pretend that everything is alright, is not only still shit, it's rotted, peutrified, unimaginable shit. And it has all come down on your head.

My first instinct is to protect. Whether it's myself or those I love, I need to know that those I love are protected and safe. From people, emotions, life, death and anything else in my path. I have bent over backwards to make sure that happens. I have spread myself more thin in the last month and a half, since Easter morning at 12:30, than I have my entire life. I have put my comfort on the back burner to ensure that those who are suffering more than I am have someone to lean on and go to. Including family and friends, I have dedicated waking hours to stabilizing situations. I have lost sleep, I have lost peace. I have followed the Golden Rule to the LETTER and I have done it without complaint. I have been told that it's not fair, I have been told to go home, to take care of myself and I haven't. I've put life and relationships on hold and I wouldn't change any of it. Knowing what I know now, I would not do one thing different. But I cannot fool myself anymore.

I have reached my limit and I refuse to continue to knowingly keep myself in this fantasy limbo where there's one too many people that always seems to be a day away from being dealt with.

My love is unconditional and steadfast. It's selfless in times of need. It's warm and forgiving. It's very foolish and naive. I have proven all of these things, in that I am confident. But I will not continue to live in this very comfortable, very exciting, very beautiful but very fake world that I've spent the last month patching together with the scraps I was left with months ago. I still have scraps. I still have shit. Only now the shit has festered, and now it's come down on my head. So along with my grieving, my broken heart, my personal pain, I have a pile of shit I need to clean up.

That'll teach me to escape. From now on, I will try my very hardest to deal with things on a more practical level. And not take the easy way. Yet again, my logical side has proven to be the correct side. For this I am thankful, and my anger has dissapated after writing this. Thank God.

Also, I'm getting a kitten today.