I desperately need to stop hanging myself for these people. Every time I feel like I don't have anything left, I scrape some more effort together and do my best to make people happy and give them what they need. And I'll be damned if it doesn't fail, if I don't fail, every time.
It's funny how important people become in your life. Maybe they help you through a tough time, or ya'll just really get along, or you once bonded over a mutual hatred of snail slime trails. Whatever the case, you looked up at some point and the realization hit you; this person is important. They're great! They're exactly what you need right now and somehow you're exactly what they need! This mutual respect and affection grows and you've got a friend. A real friend that you can call your friend in the good and the bad times. Whatever the qualities that you look for in a real and honest friend, this person has it. It's exciting! It feels great to be understood and accepted for who you are. We all know this feeling and personally, I love it. It doesnt happen all that often.
But that part where you look up and realize they're important, that's your first mistake. And it'll only go downhill from there. It's your own fault for putting someone on such a high pedestal and they cant be expected to maintain it. You've set them up for failure and make no mistake, they will fail. The question is only, how hard with they fail? and will they take you down with them.
I feel like puking.
I drank a lot of tequila last night...
This is an option for why.
The power of the relationship always lies with the one who cares the least. This is true of any type of relationship. Friendship, romantic relationship, physical relationship. So it doesn't matter if you see them as important, appreciate them for who they are, and do everything in your immediate power to make their life less stressful. Sometimes something just clicks in their head and maybe they just don't care like they used to. And it's no longer mutual, which means you no longer grow, which means shit HITS the fan and everything ends just as fast as it began.
When you get your heart broken by a lover, it's excruciating I'm sure. I don't presume to know how it feels because I'm sure there's a hundred other people out there who have loved much harder than I have. But when you have your heart broken by a friend, it's this indescribable (although I'm obviously gearing up to describe it) feeling... It's a mix between a dull and a sharp throbbing right where your chest plate splits down to your ribs. You know where they tell you to punch an attacker? It's like an ice pick, alternating between the sharp side and the dull handle is just shoved in there.
Every Selfless, thoughtful, giving person needs to be selfish every once in a while. And maybe this was his, and that's fine because I know how much effort he puts toward everyone else in his life and never toward himself. And the most genuine and heartfelt apologies help. But it doesn't make this pressure go away. It helps! I'm not ungrateful for the apology or the explanation. But it hurts more than anything has hurt in a long time.
I can handle a lot of shit. I have handled a lot of shit. I can't handle this.
you cant force someone to care
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