Everything Neglected

As I sat in front of my full length mirror, picking through the rat's nests in my wet, long and desperately neglected hair, I began to reflect on last summer. I think about last summer quite often, daily, but it's rare that I sit and reflect on it.
Songs like Father Said - Sonny Moore, True Affection - The Blows, but most strikingly Clementine by Sarah Jaffe helped aid my journey through the darker and grimier corners of the summer. Not the stuff that happened, the people the died, the friends that left. But how I reacted to these things. Sure these things were pretty life changing, relatively monumental, sort of Earth shattering. But you know this. I've already told you, mostly. I've even told you how I felt about those events. But now that a little time has gone by, I've got some aftermath to share. Some 'Since you were gone'. Some 'After the show.'

In the months since my grandmother's died I've vascilated from using it to better help me understand people and to separate me from them. On the one hand, I can understand loss better. I've never lost a sibling or a parent or a child, but I have lost a dearly loved one, and that's saying something. It makes relating to people easier. Loss is felt and experienced by everyone at one point or another. A pet, a family member, your favorite piece of jewelry, the family recipe box. What ever the degree, chances are you've felt loss. Well now, I can understand where you're coming from better, because so have I. It's brought me a little closer to human beings in general, in a way I just was incapable of doing before. But now I can and it makes me feel a little more human. On the other hand, it's separated me a little bit. I'll have to get back with you on how exactly.

Since the Eric Apocolypse I've grown to understand myself more. And I've reacted by changing the things that made the end of that relationship such a train wreck. I'm like a good captain of a rickety ship. I'm my own first mate too. And together, with myself, we do our best to whip the (relation)ship in to shape at any cost. Whether it's unhealthy, painful, dangerous, hazardous, tortuous, costly, taxing, grueling, repetitive, there we are, myself and me, toiling away. Scrubbing the deck in a hail storm, repairing the sails afterward, etc. You get the idea. Basically I do whatever is necessary, when no one else is, to make sure the ship sails smoothly for as long as possible. I take lip from the crew, I wait around for them when they're late, I believe them when they lie, make excuses when they screw up. Don't even get me started on the galley! Then, when I thought I'd patched up all the holes, pumped all the water, cleaned all the quarters and peeled all the potatoes, the ship sinks and true to Captain Ashley form, I go down with it. With a smile! And an assurance to the crew that it's okay, that they did their best too, and that I'll be fine alone at the bottom of the ocean. Needless to say, there's no more of that. I'm in a relationship with Aaron, a friend from high school who stuck with me through the Death, Dude and Depression Debaucle (to be discussed next), and I'm proud to say I haven't been Captain and crew. I haven't needed to be, but there are some things that Eric and I's relatinonship helped me to see were unacceptable, and I haven't settled. I didn't settle when it came to the man, so why would I settle for what we have to offer each other?

After the Death, Dude and Depression Debaucle I've seen a new low for myself, and I've reacted by doing my best to remedy that. And to keep it from NEVER happening again! It was the last week of summer. Summer school had ended and the fall semester was about to begin. The number of people who'd died had steadily climbed over the weeks, and my ability to adequately deal with them had withered like a sundried tomato. I was a wreck, a loose tooth that was clinging to the bloody gums with one last root. Then Dude... Jacob, my best friend who'd stayed up late with me, put up with me, listened to me related to me and was just generally there when I didn't want to be/couldn't be alone. I, being in the 'Reflection on My Reaction', see now that I was searching for something, ANYTHING, to latch on to. I might as well have closed my eyes, spun in a circle and pointed. Too bad for Jacob, I landed on him. I really did feel like he was my best friend. He was the closest thing I had to an anchor. I built every chain link, pain stakingly, and gathered it up, and carried it to him, and latched him up. Big ol' pad lock. Bless his unaware heart. But he stuck it out like a champ until, i'm assuming, he could take no more. It's like when you stub your toe, and you know it's gonna be really bad. You feel it hurt right away, but you're terrified of actually looking at it because you know it's going to be all bloody and bent at some grotesque angle, increasing the distress. When he walked out the door, I knew it was gonna be bad, but I didn't know just how painful until I took the time to look at the situation. Which took me a night of Mexican Martinis and screaming at my girls about how I need my key back from him or the world will collapse into itself. Jacob helped teach me not to put such a burden on people. Even if I need it, they don't need that head ache. And for whatever reason, they WILL find a reason to bail, because it's not their job to stay! I learned not to find an anchor, but to be my own. And that's how it's been ever since, and it's been great.

Before that, or maybe after, or possibly during? I went to Rachel Rehabilitation. One of my closest friends, my girlfriend, my dearly beloved, we were growing apart. I could feel it happening while it was going on, but I didn't know what was actually going on. Until things started piling up, and getting bigger, and feelings got more hurt, until it all exploded like an over full water balloon. And until then I didn't understand how much I loved her, and desperately wanted her around for the positive and uplifting she brought to my life. Thankfully, Rachel Rehab ended, and I fell right back off that wagon. Between her's and Katie's apartments, I've found my only places in Austin where I feel like I'm safe. From all the awful Austin has had to offer me. They form some sort of crazy barrier over me, like they're shepherding me through my remaining time here. I couldn't be more thankful. I've learned to not wait until you're without someone to realize how much you need them. Cliche? little bit. Too old to just now be learning it? possibly. But I finally did. My one regret is that it had to be with Rachel, and not someone more deserving of my mistreatment.

If you read that whole blog, you're a saint and I owe you 5$. But i'll quiz you first so don't try and pilfer my money! ;-)